1. Picking Your Dance:
Do: Decide what music moves you, inspires you and makes you happy then go after it. Pursue it with a single-mindedness that would put Jason Vorhees to shame. Talk it up with your friends, family, co-workers and just anybody you meet on the street until they either are induced into dancing themselves, or ask for a restraining order. Practice anywhere and everywhere you have the opportunity: walking down the halls at work; in elevators (the more crowded the better preparation for some of the dance floors you’ll be experiencing in the near future); in shopping malls until the security either joins in or asks you to leave; at weddings (even better if you’re not really invited but just jump in, but please don’t try to pull a Graduate move and run away with the bride because you aren’t Dustin Hoffman, she ain’t Katherine Ross and the father of the bride will probably try to kill you after all the money he’s put out that could have been spent on that mid-life crisis Porsche he’s been eyeing for months with dismay and regret); and just anywhere and everywhere you can. And try to support live music whenever you can because it’s magical and too much adherence to CD only clubs will make you one step closer to being a robot.
Don’t: Do all you dancing from your couch and your imagination by watching Dancing with the Stars or So You Think You Can Dance. It won’t help you when you finally make it to the dance floor.
2. Picking Your Partner:
As in life, the great debate in dancing veers between mating for life to a single dance partner, or in the spirit of adventure and the San Fernando Valley’s biggest export industry, taking on as many as you can handle as often as you can (aka a dance sl*t). Also, just as in life most of us fall somewhere between these two philosophies and will dance with anyone, but holding special dances for special partners who just ‘get’ you. But if you are Fred in search of your Ginger (or vice versa):
Do: Try to find someone whose musical tastes match your own (while “I’m a little bit country/I’m a little bit Rock and Roll” worked great on the Donny & Marie Show decades ago, it can lead to some nasty arguments when your partner would rather undergo a root canal sans anesthesia rather than to dance to your new favorite song.) Look for someone who’s also going to look out for you on the dance floor (too many times I see accidents that would be avoidable if one of the partners was just making sure that the way was clear [leads this fall mostly on your shoulders, but follows shouldn't just drink the Kool-Aid and look out for things the lead can't see]). Also try to find someone who matches your dance stamina because few things can poop a party more than having your most favorite song come up at the end of the evening just to find your partner is so pooped from the balboa marathon with the newbie that there’s nothing left for you (that’s grounds for dance divorce!)
Don’t: Just decide somebody is going to be your partner whether they like it or not (while the wearing you down method seems romantic in films and television shows from yesteryear, today we have a new word for it-stalking.).
3. Asking Someone to Dance:
Few things strike more terror in the human heart than having to gear up enough courage to march across the full breadth of the dancehall because that girl who looks just like Jessica, that sexy goofy redheaded newbie vampire on True Blood, is just tapping her foot so much to the music that she seems like a “sure thing” in spite of the fact that she’s surrounded by her phalanx or girlfriends/bodyguards there to guard her body from you with withering stares that send you hurtling back to the sixth grade when you asked Becky Raye Kusama to do “The Robot” with you at the Spring Spectacular and cheerleader junior squad captain Judy Anne Nelson (the meanest girl who ever drew a breath) overheard your stammering attempt and laughed so hard in your face that you thought your pants might be unzipped but you were too afraid to look down until everybody, including Becky, joined her in the laughter so you finally did look down in shame just to discover you weren’t even wearing any pants at which point you woke up in your own bed sweating, but from then on were unable to even look Becky in the eye and avoided Judy like the plague, which is too bad because that doomed Becky to a post-prom induced marriage to school quarterback Ricky Don Branson, and Judy to a top position at AIG where she was doing quite well until recently and you could have saved them both, just to ask her to dance and then find out that Jessica (oh keep up will you, we’re back to the fake reality portion now) is tapping her foot because she’s just about to have a grand mal seizure and so dancing is pretty much out of the question so you might be scarred for life, so you never actually march across the dancehall floor, but just sit there with your buddies nursing a beer and bitching about how there are no girls to dance with tonight. Sound familiar? Well if you’re going to ask somebody to dance:
Do: Just go up to them and ask them to dance. If they turn you down, don’t take it personally, they might just be tired or not like this song (but do check your fly just in case, unless you are a really cute girl in which case you’re probably not going to be turned down) and you can ask them again later (where if they turn you down again employ the three-strikes rule minus one and move on to greener territory and remember it’s not you, it’s them [okay, there's a decent possibility that it probably could be you, but with the dance world so friendly and well mannered you're going to get all kinds of dances unless you are the Terpischoreal equivalent of a bull in a china shop, which by the way they proved on Mythbusters is completely untrue as cattle will run right through an area with shelves full of fragile items without disturbing a damn thing unless that shelf moves in their direction, which is really amazing to see!]). If you are a lead and a follow asks you, it’s generally considered good form to agree unless you’re completely knackered from the previous dance. And if you are a lead or a follow, once you commit to the dance commit to the dance and do so with the best of your ability even if the dancer you’re dancing with does not reflect that ability and avoid pulling a trapped coyote (where you attempt to chew your own leg off to escape) as the song will only last a few minutes (unless it’s salsa, Chicago style blues, or one of those swing songs where the band isn’t getting paid anything so the bandleader compensates by giving everybody a solo ON EVERY FREAKING SONG, stretching what should be a 4-minute romp into infinity, in which case do what you have to.)
Don’t: Try to pull off that cool Antonio Banderas/Pierce Brosnan/Denzel Washington move where you just silently nod or crook your finger in the direction of a follow just to have them stampede across the floor to get to you, which never works unless you are actually Antonio, Pierce or Denzel.
4. During the Dance:
Don’t: Sing; practice moves from the Kama Sutra; attempt aerials; spit; attempt to perform urological/gynecological exams in the guise of dance moves; sleep; text your mom; dip beyond your capability to recover; squeeze contact points like you’re superman trying to make diamonds out of coal; use your nails to maintain a more solid grip; wear jewelry designed to maim; explore the possibilities that your partner might actually be a human-shaped piñata filled will candies and jewels; explore “experimental” interpretations of the beat; boast about interesting things you can do with your tongue and/or any other organ you possess and/or rent; count the beat out loud; floss, fold, spindle, mutilate, agitate, irritate, or irrigate your partner without express prior permission, preferably written, notarized and produced in triplicate.
Do: Just follow the beat to the best of your ability, try not to annoy your partner and look for ways to improve if you look down at the end of a dance to find you’re just holding an appendage instead of a person because they ‘coyoted’ away.
5. After the Dance:
Do: Say thank you (especially if you survived with no loss of blood, feeling or face). Find that couple you accidentally mowed down in your swing-out attempt, apologize again and offer ice, assistance and the number for a good podiactric surgeon. Offer to pay the cleaning/repair bill for anything that might have gotten rent asunder even if you’re convinced it wasn’t your fault but their back-leading that caused it. Offer band-aides and aspirin where needed. Applaud the band. Applaud The Band. APPLAUD THE FRELLING BAND who have been playing their butts off for you, for next to no money, just to have you complain that they’re too fast, too slow, too proletariat for your wildly bohemian tastes (unless they truly suck, in which case market forces will take care of the problem) and make a trip to the tip jar if one is produced. Wipe the blood from your shoe and try to conceal your new limp from the newbie who crushed that shoe (and along with it your third and fourth favorite toes, poor piggies) in order not to scar them for life like Judy Anne Nelson would have since she didn’t believe in Karma until the day it finally caught her ass (quite literally actually, but that’s another story, and a really damned funny one but we’re not going to talk about it here so quit begging) and encourage them to keep dancing, but preferably with others this evening as you’re going to rest a bit. Towel off and/or change shirts if necessary. Size up the audience looking for your next partner for your next dance and keep it going.
Don’t: Well at this point unless you have Asperger’s Syndrome, I think you get the point.
Okay, that’s enough to get you safely though the first 15 minutes of any dance. If you have rules of your own you’d like to share with the DWDr audience, get them to me and if they’re good enough I may just pass them forward.
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